Wasp Whispers

 A wasp landed on my arm today as I rested on my front porch. She whispered of springtime and asked me if I noticed the world waking up and warming up. She asked me to gaze on the grass just starting to turn green and the buds on the tops of the trees peeking out to warm in the afternoon sun. She asked me to listen closely to the bird calls as cardinals, robins, blue birds, starlings and morning doves greeted each other at the feeders. She asked me to feel the change in the breeze...wrapping me with a hint of warmth rather than the sharp bite of recent months. She asked me to breathe and smell the damp earth thawed and preparing to accept new seeds. Then she buzzed on her way, searching for a safe spring space to call her own. 

Committing Again

 It's been 6 years since I participated in the March SOL challenge. During that six years, I journaled sporadically, wrote some poetry, crafted letters to my daughters as they experienced some life transitions both wonderful and challenging. Writing feels indulgent to me, and rather than prioritizing it, I add it to the "to do" list and then push it down the list as the day goes by. I withhold this time from myself, and I'm not sure why. Definitely technology, in the form of social media and mindless apps, zaps time that I could devote to writing. Lack of subject matter plagues me at times, and I get caught in what feels like mindless stream-of-consciousness writing. Busy job and busy kids have also been high on my list of excuses; however, taking this year off from teaching to move my family cross country, get my girls settled into college life and learn how to manage a small hobby farm SHOULD afford me at least a few minutes a day to put pen to paper (or type at my kitchen table.) But, I still have not made the commitment to my writing that I wish I would. I joined SOL at the last minute, hoping that by making this month-long commitment, I can once again relaunch my writing journey.  And so it begins...Happy Mardi Gras. Happy first day of March. Happy writing.

Here we go...

Slice of Life challenge 2016 begins today and I'm nervously joining again this year. Last year I was a first time slicer and found the experience very fulfilling and rewarding. This year, I'm still teaching 4th grade, raising two busy 7th graders, and taking 2 graduate courses. Honestly, I decided awhile back that this challenge was not going to happen for me this year, but yesterday I found myself filling out the participation information.

I probably won't end up posting every day. 
I probably won't write my masterpiece. 
I probably won't win a prize this year. 
I probably won't be able to commit as much time to writing as last        year. 

However, 

I probably will be able to post something on most days. 
I probably will enjoy my time writing. 
I probably will visit other's blogs every day and find inspiration. 
I probably will be glad I came back. 

Good luck to everyone participating. Here we go...

Stressing out over NOT being stressed out

It is the evening before the start of school. The start of a new year with a fresh group of 4th graders for me, seventh grade for the girls, and graduate course number two, (the first time I've taken my own coursework while teaching students.)

We had an early dinner. The girls got their own things ready. I prepped lunch items and did laundry this afternoon. Dax is napping since he has to work overnight tonight. I printed out my rosters and finished typing in my lesson plans. I'm waiting for the stress out to hit me...and it's stressing me out. 

Normally at this time of the year, I would be running in circles, trying to get everything checked off my to-do list, squeezing in one last adventure before the start of school, suffering with nervous stomach and the fear of not sleeping. 

But I'm not. I'm reading a book and feeling guilty (a little bit) about not freaking out. And feeling nervous (a little bit) that I forgot to do something because surely I should not be this calm. 

I really want to try to keep a few promises to myself this year. 

1. I will enjoy my graduate course work. After all, it's studying to do something I think I will love. 
2. I will not let my role of teacher define me. Teaching is something I do, it's not who I am as a person.
3. Stay committed to yoga and meditation, even when things get busy. They will help keep me grounded. 
4. Stay present focused and thinking with the heart center rather than getting stuck in my own head. Have faith and look for the positive in everything!!

Wish me luck!

The Art of Doing Nothing

I wonder if everyone moves through the day with a endless stream of to-dos on their mind. Circumstances left me home alone this morning. My kids are at a friend's house, my husband is at work. I'm 5 days into my summer vacation and I decided today was a day where I was not going to plan to do anything. I might read, or bake, or watch TV. Maybe even play a little Wii when my girls get home. Today was not going to be a day of "to-dos," but rather a day of doing...exactly what I wanted in the moment.

The morning started fine. Awakened by the animals at 7 am, I finally dragged out of bed about 7:45, made myself a cup of coffee and started reading. Promptly, I fell back to sleep until almost 10. My day of relaxation seemed to be going o.k. I logged in to my online graduate course and finished commenting on my fellow classmates' infographics. Impressed with myself for checking off a to-do list item without really even thinking about it, I printed out my first reading assignment and tucked it away in a file folder for later.

So far, so good, right? Until I headed to the kitchen to make breakfast at which point my brain started to explode with things that needed to be done/purchased. ALL my kitchen towels are disgusting. No matter how hard I try, we cannot keep them from smelling mildewy. I have a plan to remedy the situation, but it will require spending money and a trip to the local home goods store. Neither of which is on my non-existent to-do list for today. Turning toward the linen drawer for a clean dishrag, I noticed my husband left a check on the counter that needs to go to the bank. Which made me think of the two bills I've been carrying around in my purse for days that need to go to the post office.

And so it goes. Suddenly, my day of relaxing and doing whatever I feel like doing whenever I feel like doing it, is derailed and I find myself adding more and more to my mental list. Now, rather than doing nothing, I'm stressing about all the things I need to/want to do that I'm not currently doing because I'm trying to relax. I seriously wonder if anyone else experiences this same mental madness.

So, I'm trying to calm my mind by writing. Which is something I love to do and do not allow myself to do often enough. It is one of my relaxing activities. Per my earlier post, I've been searching for my One Word for the year. After much contemplation and perhaps prayer (though I'm still not very good at listening post-prayer) I've finally settled on Faith/faith as my word for the year. I think it encompasses this problem of spin brain. It takes Faith to calm myself enough to quiet my thinking and focus on God's words to direct me to my tasks. If I can believe in my ability to remember important things when they become important, that is faith in myself. If I can give myself permission to take a break and do what I want to do, it shows faith in myself to get to it when what needs to get done becomes more important than what I want to do.

Is it possible to really do NOTHING? Or when we talk of doing "nothing" are we talking of doing what we WANT to do rather than what we feel we need/have to do? And how is this all connected to my focus on faith? Today I will work hard to be quiet and listen...

Where is the Center?

I've been searching for my, "one word," after receiving a copy of the book, One Word that will change your life, by Jon Gordon, Dan Britton and Jimmy Page. As the book suggests, I'm looking for that one word that will guide my ship, and keep me on my center mark during the upcoming year. I'm sure many people begin their "one word" search in late November or December as a new calendar year is set to begin. I have lived most of my life by the school year calendar. In just 6 1/2 short days, one more school year will be a part of my history. I will spend a few days reflecting...tucking the memories neatly away before jumping head long into plans for next fall. June is an ending and a beginning for me, so I feel it's appropriate for me to begin my "one word" journey now.

Choosing a word is not easy. My first inclination was to pick something impressive. Something that would sound fancy when I told other people or wrote about it on my blog. Fancy is fine, but maybe not what I need at this point in my life's journey. So then, I began to think about ways I would like to grow, change, or approach life that is different from how I am right now. As words came to me, I've tried to write them down. I've even prayed, though probably not thoroughly enough, for God to send me my word.  The words have not come fluidly. I've really only got a few contenders which makes the brainstorming writing teacher in me feel a little lackadaisical. Perhaps I need to give this one word business a little more attention. After all, I only have 5 days left in the month.

One word that has come to mind is the word, "Faith/faith/believe". Belief in myself, in others, in God. Letting go of the need to be in control and trusting that God has prepared me (and those in my life) to weather life's rough seas and come through the storm. Believing that whatever is happening now, is serving a higher purpose that I may not even understand right now and being comfortable with the mystery of not always knowing or understanding the WHY? Faith in others is a big challenge for me. I'm more comfortable relying solely on myself, putting little confidence in others to carry weight or help me through life's trials. Cultivating relationships is hard, and faith (or lack thereof) plays a huge role in this area. Faith is a front runner on my "one word" short list.

"Joy" is also on my list. Though it seems almost too frivolous. It's one of the fancy words that sounds more like something I would choose to impress others, than to really grow myself. However, joy is very hard for me. It feels too carefree and unsafe. Like I'm not doing enough to insulate myself from the bad things that may come my way. But, I know that God wants us to find the joy in the ordinary, the mundane, the basic ins and outs of life, and I think we could all do with a little more joy. I think it would help me to be more of a model for others and to keep me focused on spreading positive energy, rather than being negative and cynical.

"Simplify"~ I've felt a yearning in my heart to simplify anything and everything. From giving away/selling unused possessions, to downsizing my house...throwing away clutter and giving up on fancy sophisticated organization strategies. I'm at a point in my life where I want simple to be the best way to tackle anything. We are blessed with so much and have so many opportunities to do meaningful things, but we get so crazy busy and bogged down that we are often ineffective. I wonder how many times I've failed to see the obvious because I'm over-thinking the situation or have too many tools in my tool belt to choose from.

"Do" is a word I'm drawn to. I've spent so much of my life afraid to make a move, to take control, to do things that are out of my comfort zone. I was the consummate planner, never actually accomplishing much of anything. I've overcome some of my stuckedness over the past few years, but I think having "do" as a word would push me to apply that mantra to my list of wishes and "shoulds." This word is actually closely connected to "faith" because in order to have the confidence to "do" one has to have faith in oneself and her ability to deal with the outcome of choices. It's about letting go of perfection and expectation to just experience what there is to see and do and accomplish. I like the idea of this very simple word. It's like the opposite of procrastination. And would also force me to consider my priorities and one cannot simply "do" everything.

I have a few days left to meditate on my word. I'm certain it will become clear. I have faith, that if I simplify and rest in quiet prayer and mediation my acts of doing and being will send me my word.

Keeping Up the Habit

After writing every day for more than 30 days, I realize that it took fewer than 30 days to build a habit. Somewhere around day 20, writing no longer felt like something weighing down my to-do list, but rather something I couldn't wait to sit down and do each evening. With each day, my writing flowed more smoothly, I questioned my subject matter less, and I greedily awaited the comments on my blog.

Today, as I was getting into my car, I realized it had been two days since I've written anything. Uh oh...20 days to build a habit, but I bet it takes much fewer to break one. A good habit that is. It must be harder to break than bad ones. (I know this because I'm still trying to get my fourth graders to capitalize the first words in all their sentences.) The saying goes, "Old habits die hard," but new habits are delicate. They are young and still need some nurturing if we want them to continue to grow. 

So, I'm writing today. It's a little sad to see my blog go from many hits a day, down to none. I miss my challenge friends who check in on me and leave helpful comments. In some ways it was easier to find motivation for writing when I was writing for a purpose and an audience. I'm not really sure where I want my writing to take me. Do I need some sort of goal or challenge? Do I need to just keep writing Slices of Life, being open to other writing opportunities as they may present themselves? Do I need to research other writing possibilities? I'm interested in poetry and non-fiction for kids. From time to time I feel the urge to write an essay-ish piece, but right now I have no audience or avenue for that type of work. 

I guess more than anything, I just need to continue practicing my writing in the hopes that something will spring to life and I will find some vision for my writing future.