Stressing out over NOT being stressed out

It is the evening before the start of school. The start of a new year with a fresh group of 4th graders for me, seventh grade for the girls, and graduate course number two, (the first time I've taken my own coursework while teaching students.)

We had an early dinner. The girls got their own things ready. I prepped lunch items and did laundry this afternoon. Dax is napping since he has to work overnight tonight. I printed out my rosters and finished typing in my lesson plans. I'm waiting for the stress out to hit me...and it's stressing me out. 

Normally at this time of the year, I would be running in circles, trying to get everything checked off my to-do list, squeezing in one last adventure before the start of school, suffering with nervous stomach and the fear of not sleeping. 

But I'm not. I'm reading a book and feeling guilty (a little bit) about not freaking out. And feeling nervous (a little bit) that I forgot to do something because surely I should not be this calm. 

I really want to try to keep a few promises to myself this year. 

1. I will enjoy my graduate course work. After all, it's studying to do something I think I will love. 
2. I will not let my role of teacher define me. Teaching is something I do, it's not who I am as a person.
3. Stay committed to yoga and meditation, even when things get busy. They will help keep me grounded. 
4. Stay present focused and thinking with the heart center rather than getting stuck in my own head. Have faith and look for the positive in everything!!

Wish me luck!

The Art of Doing Nothing

I wonder if everyone moves through the day with a endless stream of to-dos on their mind. Circumstances left me home alone this morning. My kids are at a friend's house, my husband is at work. I'm 5 days into my summer vacation and I decided today was a day where I was not going to plan to do anything. I might read, or bake, or watch TV. Maybe even play a little Wii when my girls get home. Today was not going to be a day of "to-dos," but rather a day of doing...exactly what I wanted in the moment.

The morning started fine. Awakened by the animals at 7 am, I finally dragged out of bed about 7:45, made myself a cup of coffee and started reading. Promptly, I fell back to sleep until almost 10. My day of relaxation seemed to be going o.k. I logged in to my online graduate course and finished commenting on my fellow classmates' infographics. Impressed with myself for checking off a to-do list item without really even thinking about it, I printed out my first reading assignment and tucked it away in a file folder for later.

So far, so good, right? Until I headed to the kitchen to make breakfast at which point my brain started to explode with things that needed to be done/purchased. ALL my kitchen towels are disgusting. No matter how hard I try, we cannot keep them from smelling mildewy. I have a plan to remedy the situation, but it will require spending money and a trip to the local home goods store. Neither of which is on my non-existent to-do list for today. Turning toward the linen drawer for a clean dishrag, I noticed my husband left a check on the counter that needs to go to the bank. Which made me think of the two bills I've been carrying around in my purse for days that need to go to the post office.

And so it goes. Suddenly, my day of relaxing and doing whatever I feel like doing whenever I feel like doing it, is derailed and I find myself adding more and more to my mental list. Now, rather than doing nothing, I'm stressing about all the things I need to/want to do that I'm not currently doing because I'm trying to relax. I seriously wonder if anyone else experiences this same mental madness.

So, I'm trying to calm my mind by writing. Which is something I love to do and do not allow myself to do often enough. It is one of my relaxing activities. Per my earlier post, I've been searching for my One Word for the year. After much contemplation and perhaps prayer (though I'm still not very good at listening post-prayer) I've finally settled on Faith/faith as my word for the year. I think it encompasses this problem of spin brain. It takes Faith to calm myself enough to quiet my thinking and focus on God's words to direct me to my tasks. If I can believe in my ability to remember important things when they become important, that is faith in myself. If I can give myself permission to take a break and do what I want to do, it shows faith in myself to get to it when what needs to get done becomes more important than what I want to do.

Is it possible to really do NOTHING? Or when we talk of doing "nothing" are we talking of doing what we WANT to do rather than what we feel we need/have to do? And how is this all connected to my focus on faith? Today I will work hard to be quiet and listen...

Where is the Center?

I've been searching for my, "one word," after receiving a copy of the book, One Word that will change your life, by Jon Gordon, Dan Britton and Jimmy Page. As the book suggests, I'm looking for that one word that will guide my ship, and keep me on my center mark during the upcoming year. I'm sure many people begin their "one word" search in late November or December as a new calendar year is set to begin. I have lived most of my life by the school year calendar. In just 6 1/2 short days, one more school year will be a part of my history. I will spend a few days reflecting...tucking the memories neatly away before jumping head long into plans for next fall. June is an ending and a beginning for me, so I feel it's appropriate for me to begin my "one word" journey now.

Choosing a word is not easy. My first inclination was to pick something impressive. Something that would sound fancy when I told other people or wrote about it on my blog. Fancy is fine, but maybe not what I need at this point in my life's journey. So then, I began to think about ways I would like to grow, change, or approach life that is different from how I am right now. As words came to me, I've tried to write them down. I've even prayed, though probably not thoroughly enough, for God to send me my word.  The words have not come fluidly. I've really only got a few contenders which makes the brainstorming writing teacher in me feel a little lackadaisical. Perhaps I need to give this one word business a little more attention. After all, I only have 5 days left in the month.

One word that has come to mind is the word, "Faith/faith/believe". Belief in myself, in others, in God. Letting go of the need to be in control and trusting that God has prepared me (and those in my life) to weather life's rough seas and come through the storm. Believing that whatever is happening now, is serving a higher purpose that I may not even understand right now and being comfortable with the mystery of not always knowing or understanding the WHY? Faith in others is a big challenge for me. I'm more comfortable relying solely on myself, putting little confidence in others to carry weight or help me through life's trials. Cultivating relationships is hard, and faith (or lack thereof) plays a huge role in this area. Faith is a front runner on my "one word" short list.

"Joy" is also on my list. Though it seems almost too frivolous. It's one of the fancy words that sounds more like something I would choose to impress others, than to really grow myself. However, joy is very hard for me. It feels too carefree and unsafe. Like I'm not doing enough to insulate myself from the bad things that may come my way. But, I know that God wants us to find the joy in the ordinary, the mundane, the basic ins and outs of life, and I think we could all do with a little more joy. I think it would help me to be more of a model for others and to keep me focused on spreading positive energy, rather than being negative and cynical.

"Simplify"~ I've felt a yearning in my heart to simplify anything and everything. From giving away/selling unused possessions, to downsizing my house...throwing away clutter and giving up on fancy sophisticated organization strategies. I'm at a point in my life where I want simple to be the best way to tackle anything. We are blessed with so much and have so many opportunities to do meaningful things, but we get so crazy busy and bogged down that we are often ineffective. I wonder how many times I've failed to see the obvious because I'm over-thinking the situation or have too many tools in my tool belt to choose from.

"Do" is a word I'm drawn to. I've spent so much of my life afraid to make a move, to take control, to do things that are out of my comfort zone. I was the consummate planner, never actually accomplishing much of anything. I've overcome some of my stuckedness over the past few years, but I think having "do" as a word would push me to apply that mantra to my list of wishes and "shoulds." This word is actually closely connected to "faith" because in order to have the confidence to "do" one has to have faith in oneself and her ability to deal with the outcome of choices. It's about letting go of perfection and expectation to just experience what there is to see and do and accomplish. I like the idea of this very simple word. It's like the opposite of procrastination. And would also force me to consider my priorities and one cannot simply "do" everything.

I have a few days left to meditate on my word. I'm certain it will become clear. I have faith, that if I simplify and rest in quiet prayer and mediation my acts of doing and being will send me my word.

Keeping Up the Habit

After writing every day for more than 30 days, I realize that it took fewer than 30 days to build a habit. Somewhere around day 20, writing no longer felt like something weighing down my to-do list, but rather something I couldn't wait to sit down and do each evening. With each day, my writing flowed more smoothly, I questioned my subject matter less, and I greedily awaited the comments on my blog.

Today, as I was getting into my car, I realized it had been two days since I've written anything. Uh oh...20 days to build a habit, but I bet it takes much fewer to break one. A good habit that is. It must be harder to break than bad ones. (I know this because I'm still trying to get my fourth graders to capitalize the first words in all their sentences.) The saying goes, "Old habits die hard," but new habits are delicate. They are young and still need some nurturing if we want them to continue to grow. 

So, I'm writing today. It's a little sad to see my blog go from many hits a day, down to none. I miss my challenge friends who check in on me and leave helpful comments. In some ways it was easier to find motivation for writing when I was writing for a purpose and an audience. I'm not really sure where I want my writing to take me. Do I need some sort of goal or challenge? Do I need to just keep writing Slices of Life, being open to other writing opportunities as they may present themselves? Do I need to research other writing possibilities? I'm interested in poetry and non-fiction for kids. From time to time I feel the urge to write an essay-ish piece, but right now I have no audience or avenue for that type of work. 

I guess more than anything, I just need to continue practicing my writing in the hopes that something will spring to life and I will find some vision for my writing future. 

New Challenges

So, I just completed the month long Slice of Life Challenge from Two Writing Teachers. I made a commitment to a month of blogging and commenting on the blogs of others. What a great commitment it turned out to be. Here are some things that I learned/gained from participating in this experience. 

1. I do kind of like to write on the computer. At the same time I was completing this challenge, I filled up my first ever journal with writing. It took me a long time, and I'm so glad to have that butterfly notebook. It is a historical documentation of a very difficult time in my life. I will use it as a source of reflection as well as a sense of pride and remembrance of a time of growth. I did not think I would like "blogging." I like putting my pen to paper and "feeling" the writing process. I truly didn't think I would like to blog; however, I think I like the speed with which I can get my thoughts down when I type. It's also easy to go back and edit/revise as well. 

2. I do have something to say. Knowing I'm have to write each day forced me to look at the world just a little differently and to mentally file different ideas as possible writing topics for the day. 

3. What started out as a "have to" turned into a "get to." At the beginning of the month, I was not in the writing habit and so I truly had to force myself to sit down and do it. Somewhere in the middle, it became something I  got to do. I looked forward to the time at the keyboard. I felt a sense of accomplishment after I posted my link each day. 

4. I've felt what it feels like to build a positive habit now. I have lots of bad habits. Well, maybe not lots, but bad habits just fall in your lap. Good habits take effort and determination. Writing feels like a habit to me now...after only 30 days. I thought about taking tonight of a a reward for sticking with it through the entire month of March, but I didn't want to. My fingers were itching to get to the keyboard and start putting my thoughts down. I can build positive habits in a relatively short period of time. 

5. There are many people out there who like to write and want to be read by others. I was surprised at the commitment of the people who joined me on the challenge. Even the people who didn't do all 30 days, still did a lot of writing this month. I'm impressed with that. 


So now that I've spent 30 days building this positive habit of writing each day, my mind has begun to wonder and wander about other habits I could try to build. Here are some ideas I've been kicking around. 

1. Work on one piece of writing for a longer period of time. (Week, month???)
2. Try out a different type of writing than I normally do....like research writing or maybe writing some fiction. That might be a good idea because my students will be writing fiction. 
3. Write a poem a day for 30 days. 
4. 30 days of physical activity. 
5. 30 days of yoga.
6. 30 days of bible study.

Who knows where this could take me. I like the idea of trying something for 30 days. It seems long enough to establish a habit without feeling unattainable. 

Are we there yet?

"Are we there yet?"

My kids don't actually use this phrase very often. Years of long-distance car travel have trained them well to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. 

March 31st is here, and we have arrived. When I consider the journey I've taken this month, I'm thankful for the many bumps, dips, and full out stops along the way. More than anything, I'm grateful to have traveled with so many wonderful people who had kind words to share and great stories of their own to brighten my day or to make me feel like I'm not alone in this (sometimes) crazy world we live in! 

Thank you to everyone involved at Two Writing Teachers who help make Slice of Life happen. Though it seems like a simple undertaking, I know there are probably many behind the scenes people giving hours of their lives to share their gift of writing with others who are trying to cultivate that gift as well. 

Til next year...

may your writing journey continue. 

Fences

Growing up, everyone who lived in my town had a fence around their yard. Most of them were constructed of some kind of metal posts and wire, sometimes chain-link, but often more simply constructed. Their purpose was to keep dogs in the yard and small children from wandering off. Other than that, I think they were meant to fade into the background. They were definitely not meant for privacy. Despite all the neighbors on my street having one, I could see from one end of the block to the other. I knew when my friends were out playing, when the old lady at the end of the street was in her garden and when the the children I babysat for were out in their sandbox. These fences were easy to climb over  (sometimes under) and often had gates to allow easy access for neighborly visits.

The neighborhood I live in now also has fences surrounding each yard. They are all made of wood, and stand at least 6 feet high. They are meant to keep dogs in the yard and small children from wandering off. They are also intended to provide privacy and a sense of security. I guess our current fence makes me feel secure...but I'm not so sure the fences of my childhood didn't make me feel more so. Back then, I knew all my neighbors. We knew which dogs and cats could be outside and which ones shouldn't be. We knew whose yard we could climb into to fetch lost balls and frisbees and who would prefer that we use the gate. We knew when someone needed a helping hand with raking leaves or mowing a lawn. We KNEW. Now, I barely know my neighbors. The ones I do know, are "front yard" neighbors. We say hello, and give a wave...but there is not the familiar feeling that we are all a community of people living on one block, sharing our lives with each other. 

Rather than relying on our neighbors to help us feel safe, we rely on wooden sentries...sturdily constructed but greatly lacking in kindness and compassion. Something to think about.